Koiai Designs

Fight the good fight

It is 4/17/2014

I am sitting here in my room looking around feeling like shit. Not like “OMG my heart is broken because my boyfriend left me” sort of shit. No not that, its not even the, “OMG I ate so much food I feel I will die” sort of shit. It isn’t even that “I have no sleep” sort of shit.

Its this sort of shit that I feel:

I just got a notice to vacate my apartment. I have no family here except me and my three kids. My boyfriend is in Japan. I need a hug, I need a job and I need a place to stay.

There has to be someone out there in LALA land who can help a family out. So far, you have to be famous or well know or already rich to get the sort of help I need.

You got a drug problem? Oh no problem- we will pamper you and send you to rehab because you are a star and we love you- there isn’t anything wrong with you- you’re just going through a tough time- but if you aren’t a star, YOU GO TO THE SLAMMER YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

You get stranded in the middle of nowhere because your flight/car/etc. didn’t show/broke down or just something happened and you are famous? Yeah everyone will happily take you in and again pamper you and treat you lovely. But if you are stranded with three children out on the streets. YOUR FAULT, SUCK IT UP, YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG TO GET THERE.

You see, being a “nobody” in the world sort of sucks at times like this. But I can tell you this much. When I look at my kids, all teenage boys, those smiles and those eyes let me know I am their entire world and no matter what anyone thinks of me, or doesn’t think of me- they are the only ones who matter. They are the ones who look up to me and I hope that even though I feel like shit because I feel I have let them down, I hope they can see how strength and persistence can pull them through anything.

I hope they know that no matter how BAD life gets or how low you get or how many people walk on you, that you can and will make it.

I feel like shit, the kind of shit where the look on your 13 year old son’s face is enough to break your heart when you tell him that they are ripping everything away from him because this world cares about property and things and belongings and not people. I feel like shit because this world isn’t soft but its ugly and its hard and its unfair and I can’t lie to him and say it isn’t when he knows and sees differently.

I feel like shit because I tried my hardest but events happen sometimes out of our control and we just can’t stop it, no matter how hard we fight it. But all that is in the past, all we can do now is work with what we have.

I want to prove to my boys that they can do it, no matter what. You are twelve steps into your life before you even realize it. Once you do, you have made decisions that will affect the rest of your life. What to do??? Try harder, work smarter, believe in yourself and stay strong.

We aren’t always blessed with family around us, but I have my boys. I left long ago from those who could care less if I was around or not. We are alone over 4,000 miles away from any family and this is where strength and determination come in.

I won’t give up. If you are a single mom or even a single dad doing your best- from my heart to yours, YOU CAN DO IT. I have no job, no car (it was wrecked) and no place now. I don’t even have family here.

If you are with a roof over your head, food in your fridge and family to support you, even if they get on your last nerve sometimes….you are blessed. You have way more than others have. Please try to find it in your heart to be happy and celebrate the little things.

Keep your head up, this too shall pass. (not sure that was so much for you as it was for me but I hope you got something out of this.)

Peace and love and persistence.

Let’s keep going. We can make it.

Please contact me if you have resources that can help my children and I.

koiaikitty@hotmail.com (paypal email if you want to donate)

Thanks for reading